Leading with Courage: Generating Peace

Recently, my search for connection and communication guidance during these difficult times led me to a 3-day leadership course called “Embracing Paradox: Courage to Lead”. Fueled by a perpetual desire for deeper learning, along with spontaneous willfulness, I enrolled just 3 days ahead of class commencement with no investigation and really, no clear expectations. Just the trusted gut. If I am completely honest, my motivation was quite selfish. First, I hoped to gain some new understanding that would help me stay connected through these anxiety-laden times. Second, I anticipated new learnings and tools that could enrich my team facilitation and coaching practice. And third, it allowed me an escape from all personal social interaction, where current conversations can trigger fear and unease on so many levels.

We are all the walking wounded. Our stories, experiences, and wounds may vary, but the scar tissue of life is unavoidable. As I search for activism pathways to try and change our world for the better, there are lots of donation buttons to click and that has always been my passive choice of least resistance. Like many, I don’t love conflict, so protests, marches or argumentative debates are not appealing. Hurting the feelings of those I care about or risking the perceptions of those I respect by telling them the truth of my own heart are also uninviting. The result? Staying quiet, redirecting conversation or finding a quick excuse to “exit stage left” in uncomfortable situations. But those choices are like putting a Band-Aid on a severed artery. The severed artery is our voice, our truth, and our individual worth alongside the voices and personal truths of our fellow humans.

The retreat kicked off with an immediate dive into paradox of course! Our minds do not like paradoxes, as we want things to be clear so we can feel safe.  My own mind’s continual distraction strategy is to question and ponder everything I hear or see. Like searching for and evaluating the entire concept of paradox! The context of paradox offered in this retreat was that opposites do not negate each other – they unite in the center. A simple example would be darkness and light. Seemingly opposite, they are not separate, they are part of a continuum, an infinite union.

We then turned to reflections on Autumn’s paradox of dying and seeding. For many, the season of autumn represents beauty and an invitation inward. However, embracing the winter that follows (at least in the Northwestern United States) can be a struggle. Common associations of winter include darkness, depression, absence of color, and ultimately the death or letting go of what has been. No wonder so many head south for the winter! The beautiful paradox of Autumn is that the buds of new life are often present and visible before the leaves have all fallen. Like light and dark, death and birth are also part of a continuum that we can witness with each change of season in nature. Being reminded of that freed up openness and new perspectives for this group.

One big perspective shift was from the idea that painful changes, losses or heartaches are the only forms of “death” that we experience through the “winters” of our lives. That perspective fuels fear and resistance to change. Watching the autumn leaves fall, one by one, I understood that “daily dying’s” are necessary to create the space for new life and greater self-expression. For example, setting a boundary at work may require letting go of the desire to please and be liked. There is strength and confidence found through letting go of aspects of self or style that don’t work. Allowing parts of the self to drop, like a single leaf in the fall, is vital for the emergence of greater authenticity and empowerment.

The weekend turned out to be a search for the genuine within. Discerning what is authentic and what is not. This required looking inward at deep desires and the associated beliefs. One theme of the collective was the desire for freedom. While freedom means different things to different people, one core belief revealed was that freedom is solely based on external factors like money, knowledge, personal rights, personal sacrifice or geography. Together, this group saw the misconception of trying to relieve internal struggles and desires through external controls. True freedom is found internally, where we claim the truth deep within and let go of the need to satisfy social expectations to be valued, worthy, and approved of.

Staying Authentically Connected through Adversity

Leveraging the momentum of the experience, I set out to find practical ways to engage with others when opposing or controversial issues occur. In other words, approaches to adversarial or conflicting interactions.

The more we know another through their personal experience, the harder it is to hate or harm or even harshly judge that person. The way to know another person’s experience is to invite through open and honest questions, and then to listen, deeply. The shortcut to knowing if a question is open and honest, is to ask a question that you could not possibly know the answer to. The probability of learning something new about the other is much higher when we are not aiming to fix, advise, or set the other straight.

Low Stakes Differences

When experiencing light to moderate friction with another, regardless of the subject matter or context, a safe place to turn is toward wonder. The caveat is that the wonder has to be genuine, and it has to be open. That means we must find the genuine wonder inside ourselves and express that wonder with an open mind and heart. Sounds so simple but definitely not easy. It is a practice.

High Stakes Gridlock

When experiencing intense friction or conflict with or toward another, especially in relationships that “matter”, emotions often hijack our ability to think, speak, or respond rationally. Most typically, people either entrench in position-based argument or shut-down and passively suppress feelings and personal viewpoints. Not only are both reactions ineffective, more importantly they actively damage the relationship and erode trust and psychological safety.

How to Disagree AND Stay Connected:

• Create agreement that during the time together, both/all parties are forbidden from announcing, explaining, or defending their position on the issue at hand.
• Instead, the parties are invited to tell personal stories about the life or work experiences that brought them to whatever position they hold, while others listen openly.

This process does not aim to resolve the conflict or the gridlock. Changing someone else’s position or opinion about anything morally, politically, or religiously based is unlikely if not impossible. Changing someone’s opinion or perspective about strategy, priorities, design approach, or other organizational decision-making may be possible, but the attempt often damages relationships in the process.

This process does aim to create possibility. The possibility of having honest conversations that don’t shut others down, that increase empathy and understanding, and that prevent irreparable damage to relationships that matter.

If I can hear and listen to the genuine in myself, I may be able to hear and listen for the genuine in you. The heart, the innocence, the woundedness, the resilience, and the courageous truth.

At the end of the day, we are all the walking wounded. How freeing to know that we are not broken, and we are connected by this thread. Through working with hundreds of teams and the incredible human beings that make them up, there is a truth that I hear often and believe is a truth of all. We want to feel that we are completely understood, so that occasionally we can take down our guard and our defenses and trust that we will not be destroyed through that vulnerability. If we all increased our empathy and understanding by just 1%, the world would shift immensely. Let’s do it!